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I’m Okay But Not Okay

Me and Mama 12/24/2022

I started this month out being perfectly fine and content, even knowing my mom was going to have surgery soon, but not long after the new year began, my mom dropped a bomb on me that has had my mental health in a little bit of turmoil. Not only is my mom having heart surgery, but she was told that she is VERY high risk and has a lower chance of survival. Her heart is attached to her breast bone and her lungs have shrunk. My mom will be 70 years old this month and is also my best friend in the whole world. Also, she’s the only living parent I have left. See, my dad passed from stomach cancer when I was 12 years old. It’s been a rough road for all of us, but especially for me and my mom, trying to tread through life together. I’m not an only child. I have two sisters and a brother, but by the time my dad passed away, I was the only one at home. So, basically, it was me and Mom against the world, even though I was a brat. Lol.

I almost lost my mom the first time when I was 16 due to pulmonary embolism. Luckily, we got her to the hospital on time after my oldest sister found her at home just before I got off the bus from school. I ended up living with my older sister and her husband as my guardians.

As the years went on, no matter how far away I lived, she and I got closer and closer. Our conversations have mostly been phone calls and video calls for years with occasional visits for one reason or another. Most of the time I lived over an hour or two away and it was difficult to see each other in person except on holidays. I finally live less than an hour away, but it’s no longer the distance, but the lack of a working vehicle of my own right now. I have a vehicle but it’s broke down.

My mom has always been my go-to for so much in my life and the thought that I could possibly lose her so soon is heart-breaking. I am praying she does pull through and will have several more years yet, but I’m still terrified. All of this has me crying a lot and not really wanting to do anything but curl up and I guess forget the world.

I did make a huge decision recently and made a call about a job as a server in a local roadhouse. No, not Texas Roadhouse…not a chain restaurant. I’m supposed to go in and talk to I guess he’s the main manager on Tuesday sometime. He told me anytime that day. After I leave there, I’m hoping to be able to go visit my mom. I wish I had the money to have a lunch out with her like we do occasionally, just in case it’s the last time, but I’m broke and that tears at me. Let’s just hope she survives this and I’ll have more time with her. I want to celebrate the end of a surgery, not plan a funeral after.

Mostly it’s been my mental health that has been getting to me. My arm still bothers me a lot sometimes, but most days I can get through my day without any pills. I don’t like taking medicine. It’s bad enough that I have to take it daily for my mental and physical health, but to have to take it for pain too? Ugh! Well, I think you get the picture of what I’m going through for now. I set reminders to post on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so keep your eyes peeled. Love y’all and remember: Keep smiling!


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